Buy a Ticket
Man to Ticket Agent: I want to buy a bus ticket
for Norwald.
Ticket Agent, Searching Book: Norwald? Let me find
that. Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald.
I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on
the map. Just where is Norwald, anyway?
Man: Over there. He's my brother-in-law.
Liesa
[sporty]
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone into a good mood as he served them food and
drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the
passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved
a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called
a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
[msnwink]
Liesa
Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:[8D]
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to
all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean" The passengers
were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat
comforted by the captain's next announcement.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency
and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the
non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on
the right side of the plane."
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to
comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a
belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an annoucement:
"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All of the swimmers
on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim
away from the plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of
plane...
---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "
-------------------------------------------------------
British Airways
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking.[8D] On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We
are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the
Atlantic."
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you
will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out
of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has
fallen off."
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow
life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain,
the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded
message."
[beer]
-------------------------------------------------------
Air France -
There once was a flight heading from London to New York. Halfway during
the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system...
"This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news
for you. We have lost our first left engine, but never fear, we can still
make it using only three engines. But because of the loss of power, we
will be two hours late."
Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life...
"This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard
wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines.
Due to the reduced power, we will now be four hours late."
The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the
address system...
"Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can
still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late.
"
On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her,
and said:
"I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting
flight from New York!"[angel]
-------------------------------------------
Philippine Airlines -
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking,
We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part
of the Pacific ocean.
Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea,
there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the
finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead
and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We
are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would
like you to follow everything
I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father in Heaven.........."
[angel][angel][angel][angel]
Liesa
Flasher
This exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight. As he approached the open door to the plane at the end of the boarding jetway, an attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she held out her hand for his, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
With only a cursory glance, she said, "I'm sorry sir, but you have to show your ticket, not your STUB."
[msnwink]
Liesa
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening
to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her
son said, "All of you sons of b*****s get the hell off the plane now,
cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*****s who are
getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause we're going to take-off
now."
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language
in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want
you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the
bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son
say, "All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is
no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
p****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b***h in the kitchen."
[msnwink]
Liesa
Terrorist-Proof Airline
The only Terrorist-Proof Airline in the business where we can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !
Yes, here at NAKED AIRLINES we care about SAFETY[msnwink]
- AND IT SHOWS
<blockquote id="quote" class="ffs">quote:Originally posted by Kiddie001
Terrorist-Proof Airline
The only Terrorist-Proof Airline in the business where we can absolutely guarantee no WALK-ON GUNS, KNIVES, BOX CUTTERS, SHOE-BOMBS or other weapons carried onto OUR FLIGHTS !
Yes, here at NAKED AIRLINES we care about SAFETY[msnwink]
- AND IT SHOWS
[/quote]
[clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap][clap]
It's about parachuting but it's kind of aviation ...
A trainee parachutist did all his basic training, freefall position, canopy, reserve, cutaway drill. Passed it all with flying colours. He makes his first jump, exits at around 10,000 feet and achieves a perfectly stable freefall. Bang on cue he pulls the ripcord and everything goes wrong. The main chute doesn't deploy. Nothing. Staying composed he goes through the cutaway drill. Nothing. Tries the reserve anyway. Nothing. Now pulling frantically at everything. Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing. So realising he has about 30 more seconds to live he decides to make his peace with God and just as he decides this he sees an angel drifting up towards him out of the cloud below.
Gadzooks he thinks. I'm saved. My time must not yet be up and God has decided not to let me perish on the streets of that new housing estate rushing up to meet me. He shouts out to the angel for help ...
'Aaaaannnnggeelllll. Caaannnn yyooouuuu heeeeellllppp meeeeee. Doooo youuuu knnooowwww anyyythinnngg abooouuutt paaaarachuuttes?'
And the angel shouts back to him ...
'Nooooooooo. Dooo youuuu knooowwww anyythinggggg abooouuuttt gaasss cooookersss?'
Steve
A plane was coming in to land, and the pilot told the passengers to fasten their seat belts, etc. Then he turned to his co-pilot and said "I've been bursting for a dump for ages. The first thing I'm going to do when we land is to have myself a nice dump.
Then I'm going to shag the arse off that air hostess". But he had forgotten to switch off the microphone! The hostess was running down the aisle in a panic to tell him, when somebody shouted "No need to rush dear, he's going for a dump first!" [msnwink]
Liesa
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