Airline Humour!!

This started under another thread but i thought it would be fun as we all HAVE TO fly to get to Florida......................


Ok try this one................
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!'

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'


TeeHee!!
Julie R

And another one..............
Airline Humour
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.
While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"
====================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
====================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206"
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
====================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
====================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):

This is one of Fozzie's..................

quote:
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Originally posted by Fozzie
Dont know if you've seen these before, but made me laugh
Fozzie
After each flight, pilots fill a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the air craft. The mechanics read and correct the problem and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight.
These are actual logged maintenance complaints as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
P=The problem logged by the pilot.
S=The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left side main tyre almost needs replacing.
S: Almost replaced left side main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land is not installed in this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME (distance measuring equipment) volume is unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to a more believable level.
P: Friction lock causes throttle lever to stick.
S: That’s what they are there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative when in ‘OFF’ mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Engine number 3 missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pilot wisdom..........................

f you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back --- then they get bigger again)
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as a copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

Julie R

I am on a roll now.....................Blonde Passenger

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and
that she will have to sit in the back.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde , I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and
return to her Economy seat.


The blond replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"


The co-pilot tells the pilot that he should probably have the police waiting when they land, to arrest this blonde woman that
won't listen to reason.


The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blond and have learned to speak 'blonde!'"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and with out a question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the
Economy section.

The flightattendant and the co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class wasn't going to London!"


[:I][:I][:I][:I]

Julie R

P.S I am blonde too!!!

Take Your Kid to Work

A pilots idea of taking kids to work..








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Competition for Virgin

[Fozzie]

Whilst we're on the subject..

Oh Dear!!!

These pics just go to illustrate those days when it would have been better to have stayed in bed!!

This one is a little suggestive...............sorry............

Why Aeroplanes Are Better Than Women


Aeroplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

An aeroplane’s thrust to weight ratio is higher.

An aeroplane does not get mad if you "touch and go."

An aeroplane does not object to a pre-light inspection.

Aeroplanes come with manuals.

Aeroplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

You can fly an aeroplane any time of the month.

Aeroplanes like to do it inverted.

Aeroplanes don't come with in-laws.

Aeroplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Aeroplanes don't care about how many other aeroplanes you have flown.

When flying, you and your aeroplane both arrive at the same time.

Aeroplanes don't mind if you look at other aeroplanes.

Aeroplanes don't mind if you buy aeroplane magazines.

Aeroplanes don't mind if you rent another aeroplane.

It's OK to use tie-downs on your aeroplane.

An aeroplane will kill you quickly... a woman takes her time.



Julie R