Rules of pooing at work
*As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
*inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival
*Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
*smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
*know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
*the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
*smell has left your pants.
FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
*check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
*come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
*become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
*forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
*of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
*Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
*urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
*uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
*parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
*pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this
*should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has
*left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
*occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
*hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink
*up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
*SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door
*after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
*uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts,
*it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with
*the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of
*it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
*with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
*the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band
*together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
*group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
*Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
*you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
*opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender
*entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle
*and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
*vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
*occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way
*you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
*bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a
*WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
*used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
*Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt
*that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
*immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
*water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
*coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
*splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
Reply With Quote
I laughed so hard i nearly had a WATERMELON[msnembarrased]
Bookmarks