More from the great man :

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.