At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to
comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to
have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a
sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians
love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said,
adding, "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root,
make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before
seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great
Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is
uncertainty of though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered
as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
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