As I won't be home to pull the crackers, I'm pulling mine tonight.....
first one ..
Who needs to eat a balanced diet?
A tightrope walker
Eh, and we paid a lot for these!!!!!
As I won't be home to pull the crackers, I'm pulling mine tonight.....
first one ..
Who needs to eat a balanced diet?
A tightrope walker
Eh, and we paid a lot for these!!!!!
Have been to 2 Christmas parties for work and with friends over the weekend. Both times pulled crackers(only thing i'll manage to pull this yule)and both of us got the same corny jokes same rubbish hats and same tatty gift. What is the chances of that happening. The joke was soo bad i can't remember it!!!!!!!!!!
went to hubbys works do first time the wives have been invited, we pulled crackers and my pressie was a dolphin keyring and it was a nice one! cant remember the jokes tho,...........obviously not good ones tho'
Liesa
so far I've got a tape measure, a magnifying glass, a set of measuring spoons, and a pack of miniture playing cards. Four green paper hats and four jokes worse than the last one.
I'll just go and think about what I could possible do to use these items ....[?][?][?][?][?][?][?]
.........nah, it's too hard
Just remember to read the manual first!
A Parents Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
[xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1]
CHRISTMAS CRACKERS ..................
What do elves learn in school?
The elf-abet
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel)
What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
Silent Night
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can hoe hoe hoe
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
What kind of bird can write?
A Pen-guin
[xmas2][xmas2][xmas2][xmas2][xmas2]
The Night before Christmas for MOMs
'Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode,
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, "
she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy,
watch The Young & the Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
"My dream come true! "I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night
through! "
From the room above, the youngest
Fiona
Santa Is A Woman
I think Santa Claus is a woman....
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You
might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my
husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th
hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and
clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the
fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the
Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the
flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas
fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to
straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen
with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest
as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men.........
- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test.
But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good
will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas
Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!
[xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1]
A COOKS NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ........
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking
And moanin and bitchin.
I've been here for hours, I cant stop to rest.
This room's a disaster,
Just look at this mess!
Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings.
Who cares what I need !
My feet are both blistered,
I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door, and the telephones ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter
As the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven,
Dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband,
Spilling
Fiona
Thanks Fiona,
the last one made me calm down after I came downstairs to find the TV's on, 2 girls washing up not put away (they were aout till 9 and then came in expecting their dinner) and the lounge not straightened up.
Just sitting here thinking about what else I am NOT going to buy them when I read your poem. I shall give them a kick up the backside tomorrow![msnmad]
I had to wait in all day the the Sky man to come and fit the Sky extra box, goes all round the house now. I'll think I'll scream.
Sorry, how are you feeling now? Has the sickness calmed down? Did I read somewhere you are hoping to go over to Florida in Feb 2005 ?
Speak to u all tomorrow.
God Bless
Kaz
KJH
Wrapping Presents With Dogs
1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog and sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box and put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that
is getting in the way as he "helps."
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog &
sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the
paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff
no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries
to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with
remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good
helpers they are.[grouphug]
Fiona
'Twas A Florida Christmas
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the town,
no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
they all wore shorty pajamas instead.
To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
for holly trees grew in every back yard.
In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
adorning the bushes and coconut palms.
The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
hoping to find water skis under the tree.
They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.
And soon he arrived and started to work,
he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.
The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
and lighted the way for old Santa below.
As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,
There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
for Santa came in through the Florida room.
He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.
Before he departed, he treated himself
to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
remembering he still had to go very far.
He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
and up I-75 he went like a flash.
And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL,
I WISH I COULD STAY!"
Fiona
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks