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Thread: Cracker jokes

  1. #11
    Gold 5 Star Member fiona's Avatar
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    And finally .......

    Why Women Would Love Being Santa Claus


    1. You'd never be expected to make the coffee.

    2. There'd be no more early morning decisions about what to wear
    to the office.

    3. You could grow a gut the size of Fat Albert's and consider it
    a job requirement.

    4. One big black belt - accessorized for life!

    5. There'd be no reason to have your colors done.

    6. Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.

    7. Should people suggest your belly jiggled...that is when you
    giggled...like a bowlful of jelly, you could hit them with
    your purse.

    8. You'd always work in sensible footwear.

    9. There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty 'Ho!
    Ho! Ho!', would remind everyone who's boss.

    10. You wouldn't need an expensive briefcase.

    11. No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

    12. Never again have to wear pantyhose or worry about your slip
    showing.

    13. No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on
    milk and cookies all day long.

    14. You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.

    15. Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your
    children would adore you; even your teen-agers would want to
    sit in your lap.

    16. You'd be guaranteed the best chair in the office.

    17. Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.

    18. You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

    19. No one would ask to see your job description.

    20. Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not
    pout.


    Fiona


  2. #12
    Gold 5 Star Member LiesaAnna's Avatar
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    Thankyou Fiona!!!!!
    obviously getting much much better!!!!!
    Thank Goodness [msnwink]
    florida one my fav!
    Liesa


  3. #13
    Gold 5 Star Member fiona's Avatar
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    Am feeling much better thanks Liesa, but also was incandescent with rage at YD who went to London for the day and was meant to be staying at friends (girl) for the night. She and friend played her mother and I off all night and little whatsits caught a train from London to Shiplake at 10.00pm at night to go and stay with their gang (boys from the neighbouring school in Reading plus a few of their friends from their school). So we were given a fait accompli and wait till I get my hands on the little madam. I didn't dare tell Chris as she will be grounded for 6 months or something!!!!!

    But today I have to re-arrange my whole day to collect her en route to physio, so her elder sister and I are not best pleased. What is it with these 16yr olds - they think they are invincible!


    Anyway, today's jokes:

    Thoughts from your cat

    As watchman-cat, I've done my job,
    The house is safe once more.
    That shiny stuff that stormed the tree
    Is dead now on the floor.
    [xmas1][xmas1][xmas1][xmas1]

    What is special about the Christmas alphabet?
    It has NO EL.

    What happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
    You get tinsel-itus!

    Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
    He likes to ho-ho-ho.

    How does Santa Claus take photos?
    With his North Pole-aroid.

    What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
    It's Christmas, Eve.

    Why are Christmas trees like people who can't knit?
    They both drop their needles!

    Which reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?
    "Rude"olph!

    What do you call a group of chess fanatics bragging about their
    games in a hotel lobby?
    Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

    What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
    Sandy Claus!

    What do you call a reindeer wearing earmuffs?
    Anything you want. He can't hear you!

    [xmas2][xmas2][xmas2][xmas2][xmas2][xmas2][xmas2]

    This is for my MIL who upon being told she might not be able to come for Christmas as I was so ill said in quavering voice to DH just you forget about me!!

    Christmas Letter From Mom

    Dear Darling Son (and that Person you married),

    Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine
    considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that
    you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing
    mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I
    hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother
    never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
    pictures, poor babies.

    Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them
    in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds
    me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but
    I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Berta and I dug her
    up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you,
    but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come.
    I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid
    surgery, has she?

    Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane
    beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm
    also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am
    grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

    Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I
    know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take
    every year.

    Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-
    her-name-is -- the one with the black roots in her hair who stole
    you screaming from my bosom.

    Merry Christmas With Much Love,


    Mom

    I know, I am wicked and I will get my just desserts!![}]


    'Twas The Day After Christmas (diet version)


    Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house
    Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

    The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
    At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

    When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
    When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

    I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
    The gravies and
    Fiona


  4. #14
    Why do Snowflakes make poor students?

    They keep drifting off.
    Denise
    http://www.onlinefloridavillas.com/florida-vacation-rental-1568.aspx


  5. #15
    Gold 5 Star Member E. Cosgrove's Avatar
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    Glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor Fiona.
    Have a wonderful Christmas,[xmas1]


    Liz


  6. #16
    Gold 5 Star Member LiesaAnna's Avatar
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    made me see red tho'
    your daughter how selfish (mind you i hear pot calling kettle black here) we did this when we 15/16, but then going back to 75-76 we didnt have the dangers as much as we today! London all of places, sorry i would ground her for 6 blooming years!!! but that wouldnt accomplish much! my daughter got paraletic drunk in the summer, you wouldve thought she'd learnt her other sister did it when she was 15 2 years before and was unconcious, the ambulance people who took her to hospital said she could go either way! so when terri done the same thing i think she got all my anger for both of them, as i actually hit her! which is not something i do to my kids or am particulary proud of!
    sorry i would tell chris, dont start taking on the world by yourself your not ready for this on your own! you'll worry yourself sick! tell on her!

    like the christmas letter from mum best!

    well done, you keep hitting the keyboard![beer]
    Liesa


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