England's Notice of Revocation of Independence, 3 November 2004
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect an acceptable President of the USA
and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will
resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
minister
(The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP (for the 97.85% of you who have
until
now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and
the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you
noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then
look up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn
to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your
love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'and the suffix
'ize'
will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix
'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
'Taggart'
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is 'Devon'. If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become 'shires' eg. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English
characters.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The
Queen',
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind
of
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls.
It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not
involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side
by 2006. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of
America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called 'rounders' which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable
peeler.
8. All road
Reply With Quote
urple">YOUR NUTS</span id="purple">
Bookmarks