smiler
05-11-2005, 01:52
>Instructions on how to change the oil in your car - FOR WOMEN
>
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since >the last oil change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>3) 15 mins. later write a check and leave w/a properly maintained
>vehicle.
> MONEY SPENT
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> TOTAL $21.00
>
>OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS - FOR MEN
>
>(THIS WILL TAKE SOME TIME TO READ BECAUSE OF HOW GOOD MEN DO AN OIL
>CHANGE!!!!!)
>
>1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store & buy a case of >oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner & a scented tree, write a >check for $50.00.
>2) Stop by 7-11 & buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, >drive home.
>3) Open a beer & drink it.
>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 mins. looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>6) In frustration, open another beer & drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up & use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on U in the
>process.
>12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face & arms. >Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; crawl under car & hammer a screwdriver through oil >filter & twist off.
>16) Crawl out from under car w/dripping oil filter splashing oil
>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
>trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer w/him. Decide to finish oil
>change tomorrow so U can go see his new garage door opener.
>18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." >Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil >in hole in backyard instead of taking it to be recycle!
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil >to gasket surface.
>23) Dump 1st quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
>along w/drain plug.
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Shovel out hole & sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily >dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily >patch of ground & avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in >lawnmower gas.
>29) Discover that 1st quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>kitty litter on oil spill.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes >w/oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip w/stupid crescent wrench >tightening drain plug & bang knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 mins.
>36) Beer.
>37) Clean up hands & forehead & bandage as required to stop blood >flow.
>38) Beer.
>39) Beer.
>40) Dump in 5 fresh quarts of oil.
>41) Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled >during steps 23 - 43.
>45) Beer.
>46) Test drive car.
>47) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
>48) Car gets impounded.
>49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>50) 12 hrs. later, get car from impound yard.
>
>
>
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since >the last oil change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee.
>3) 15 mins. later write a check and leave w/a properly maintained
>vehicle.
> MONEY SPENT
> Oil Change $20.00
> Coffee $1.00
> TOTAL $21.00
>
>OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS - FOR MEN
>
>(THIS WILL TAKE SOME TIME TO READ BECAUSE OF HOW GOOD MEN DO AN OIL
>CHANGE!!!!!)
>
>1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store & buy a case of >oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner & a scented tree, write a >check for $50.00.
>2) Stop by 7-11 & buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, >drive home.
>3) Open a beer & drink it.
>4) Jack car up. Spend 30 mins. looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
>6) In frustration, open another beer & drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up & use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on U in the
>process.
>12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face & arms. >Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; crawl under car & hammer a screwdriver through oil >filter & twist off.
>16) Crawl out from under car w/dripping oil filter splashing oil
>everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
>trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer w/him. Decide to finish oil
>change tomorrow so U can go see his new garage door opener.
>18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." >Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil >in hole in backyard instead of taking it to be recycle!
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil >to gasket surface.
>23) Dump 1st quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
>along w/drain plug.
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Shovel out hole & sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily >dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily >patch of ground & avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in >lawnmower gas.
>29) Discover that 1st quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>kitty litter on oil spill.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes >w/oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip w/stupid crescent wrench >tightening drain plug & bang knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 mins.
>36) Beer.
>37) Clean up hands & forehead & bandage as required to stop blood >flow.
>38) Beer.
>39) Beer.
>40) Dump in 5 fresh quarts of oil.
>41) Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled >during steps 23 - 43.
>45) Beer.
>46) Test drive car.
>47) Get pulled over & arrested for driving under the influence.
>48) Car gets impounded.
>49) Call loving wife, make bail.
>50) 12 hrs. later, get car from impound yard.
>
>