Kiddie001
16-06-2005, 12:36
TRAFALGAR REVISITED
The Battle of Trafalgar was fought in 1805, the climax of many years rivalry between the fleets of France and Britain. The Royal Navy, under Admiral Horatio Nelson, the greatest British naval commander of all times, routed the French and their Spanish allies, thus ensuring that Britannia would continue to rule the waves for years to come.
This year sees the 200th anniversary of this epic engagement, Nelson’s greatest (and last) victory, which ranks as one of the high points of British history, an event to make every one of us proud to be a member of the greatest seafaring nation the world has ever known.
But how different might things be if the Battle of Trafalgar was fought in 2005 instead of 1805? How different would be the dialogue between Nelson and Hardy? It would probably go something like …………
“Order the signal to be hoisted, Hardy”
“Aye, aye, sir.”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What’s the meaning of this?!”
“The meaning of what, sir?”
“ ‘England expects that every person, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, political affiliation or disability, will this day do his or her duty.’ What gobbledegook is this?!”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. The Royal Navy is now an equal opportunities employer. In fact, we had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist and upset the Scots, Welsh and Irish.”
“Shiver me timbers, Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“I fear I cannot do that, sir. All Royal Navy vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let’s splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”
“I regret, Sir, that the rum ration has been abolished. It’s part of the Government’s policy to crack down on binge drinking.”
“Oh well, Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with the matter in hand. Full speed ahead!”
“With respect, sir, I think you’ll find that this stretch of water is subject to a 5 knot speed limit in order to minimise coastal erosion.”
“Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest naval battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible, sir.”
“Why not?”
“Health & Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. Apparently there is no safety harness. And they say that the rigging doesn’t meet the regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding has been erected, inspected and certified by a competent authority.”
“Then fetch the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy. He will attend to this.”
“I regret he’s busy, sir.”
“Busy doing what, pray?”
“He’s constructing the wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, sir.”
“Wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle? I’ve never heard of anything so absurd!”
“Health & Safety again, sir. We are obliged to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
“Differently abled?! I’ve only one arm and one eye, and I refuse to even hear mention of the expression! I’ll have you know I didn’t get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card!”
“With all due respect, sir, you did. A Government Focus Group advised the Royal Navy that its crews did not mirror the composition of society as a whole. In particular, the Navy was unrepresentative in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency; hence your accelerated promotion. Surely you must also have noticed that the old Ship’s Surgeon has been replaced by a one-legged black lesbian unmarried mother with a packet of Elastoplast?”
“Never mind all that nonsense, have the ship’s carpenter leave the wheelchair access and get to work on constructing the scaffolding so we can use the crow’s nest again.”
“I fear that will not be possible, sir, since he has now stopped work for the weekend. For him to work any more hours before Monday would infringe the European Working Time Directive.”
“Whatever next? Give me a full sail - the salt spra
The Battle of Trafalgar was fought in 1805, the climax of many years rivalry between the fleets of France and Britain. The Royal Navy, under Admiral Horatio Nelson, the greatest British naval commander of all times, routed the French and their Spanish allies, thus ensuring that Britannia would continue to rule the waves for years to come.
This year sees the 200th anniversary of this epic engagement, Nelson’s greatest (and last) victory, which ranks as one of the high points of British history, an event to make every one of us proud to be a member of the greatest seafaring nation the world has ever known.
But how different might things be if the Battle of Trafalgar was fought in 2005 instead of 1805? How different would be the dialogue between Nelson and Hardy? It would probably go something like …………
“Order the signal to be hoisted, Hardy”
“Aye, aye, sir.”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What’s the meaning of this?!”
“The meaning of what, sir?”
“ ‘England expects that every person, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, political affiliation or disability, will this day do his or her duty.’ What gobbledegook is this?!”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. The Royal Navy is now an equal opportunities employer. In fact, we had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist and upset the Scots, Welsh and Irish.”
“Shiver me timbers, Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“I fear I cannot do that, sir. All Royal Navy vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let’s splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”
“I regret, Sir, that the rum ration has been abolished. It’s part of the Government’s policy to crack down on binge drinking.”
“Oh well, Hardy, I suppose we had better get on with the matter in hand. Full speed ahead!”
“With respect, sir, I think you’ll find that this stretch of water is subject to a 5 knot speed limit in order to minimise coastal erosion.”
“Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest naval battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible, sir.”
“Why not?”
“Health & Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. Apparently there is no safety harness. And they say that the rigging doesn’t meet the regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding has been erected, inspected and certified by a competent authority.”
“Then fetch the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy. He will attend to this.”
“I regret he’s busy, sir.”
“Busy doing what, pray?”
“He’s constructing the wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle, sir.”
“Wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle? I’ve never heard of anything so absurd!”
“Health & Safety again, sir. We are obliged to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
“Differently abled?! I’ve only one arm and one eye, and I refuse to even hear mention of the expression! I’ll have you know I didn’t get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card!”
“With all due respect, sir, you did. A Government Focus Group advised the Royal Navy that its crews did not mirror the composition of society as a whole. In particular, the Navy was unrepresentative in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency; hence your accelerated promotion. Surely you must also have noticed that the old Ship’s Surgeon has been replaced by a one-legged black lesbian unmarried mother with a packet of Elastoplast?”
“Never mind all that nonsense, have the ship’s carpenter leave the wheelchair access and get to work on constructing the scaffolding so we can use the crow’s nest again.”
“I fear that will not be possible, sir, since he has now stopped work for the weekend. For him to work any more hours before Monday would infringe the European Working Time Directive.”
“Whatever next? Give me a full sail - the salt spra